Alan Hargreaves' Blog

The ramblings of a former Australian SaND TSC* Principal Field Technologist

Happy Australia Day

The following was written by Tim Fergason during the republican debate as a proposed constitutional preamble. It’s appeared in several newspapers and done the rounds of the net a few times. This year it was posted to me by a friend of the author. Nobody pokes fun at Australians as well as we do ourselves 🙂

Happy Australia day folks.

God Bless Australia

WE ARE ONE

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the
occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too
many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best
country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about
it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many
States.

First, there’s Victoria, named after a queen who didn’t believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne,
whose chief marketing pitch is that “it’s liveable”. At least that’s
what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there’s NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud
of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up
their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains
separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the
family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets
an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to
the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass
shooting, which the Yanks can’t seem to beat no matter how often
they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and
barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of
Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It’s main
claim to fame is that it doesn’t have daylight saving because if it
did,all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA
was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still
work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru,
and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption
of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece
of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to
flyover it on our way to Bali.

And there’s Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth
noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and
perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there’s Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are
united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for
praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials
tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so
flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a
million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that
we’re whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make “no worries mate” our national phrase, “she’ll be
right mate” our national attitude and “Waltzing Matilda” our
national anthem (so what if it’s about a sheep-stealing crim who commits
suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll
from a sailing race and still tell us who’s winning. And we’re the best
in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby
league and union,AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also
have the biggest rock,the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians
in the known universe.

Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than
an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no
security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies – we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea
and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed
minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for
it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National
Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

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Written by Alan

January 24, 2005 at 9:47 pm

Posted in General

One Response

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  1. Happy OZ Day Alan, read your blog all the time. I too am an Aussie, but live overseas and we’ll be celbrating. I hadn’t realised that Tim Ferguson wrote that.

    AJS

    January 25, 2005 at 6:30 am


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